Hey Reader!
First, I want to say- this is tender territory. Please take good care of yourself. CW: diet culture, wellness culture, fitness culture, family dysfunction, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, childhood trauma, intergenerational trauma
Second, holiday gatherings may mean you will be around several generations of family members, which likely brings a mish-mash of feelings to the surface. Some of those feelings may be in response to past comments or anticipation of future comments about body, food, and eating. And maybe you've made the comments. All of this is uncomfortable and understandable- we are all swimming in a sea of diet/wellness culture!
Third, we are all doing the best we can. This is not about blaming and shaming anyone for the harm of food, eating, body, and exercise comments and behaviors. We inherited our food and body judgments from those charged with keeping us safe, and they likely experienced the same from the generations before them.
As women in midlife and beyond, we are dismantling the diet/wellness culture and ageist beliefs we've inherited while simultaneously repairing the damage this mess caused us AND that we may have passed along to those we love.
Let that sink in.
Does this sound like you?
"My mother never said anything about MY body, but I knew how much she hated her belly, thighs, arms, fill in the blank."
"My parents never put ME on a diet, but we were always eating what was "allowed" on whatever diet they were following."
"My dad always had something to say about women's bodies, commenting on his opinion of bodies being "good" or "bad".
"When my mother went to the gym and invited me to go, I felt pressured and like I would be judged if I said "no."
"For most of my childhood, there was a pic of a thin woman in a bikini on the refrigerator door."
"My pediatrician told my mom that I needed to lose weight, so I was put on a diet in the 3rd grade."
"Treats, desserts, and chips were not allowed or highly monitored in our house. I started to sneak them when I visited friends, sometimes eating as much as possible when I finally had access."
" I remember my mother making delicious meals and desserts, but she did not eat what she cooked for us or ate very small amounts."
Diet/wellness culture mess and body shame are inherited and passed down for generations--until someone decides to stop it.
Body Shame is Learned
As children, you may have witnessed adults in your life in ways that reflected their complicated relationships with food, eating, exercise, and their bodies, profoundly affecting your relationship with food, eating, exercise, and your body.
Diet and wellness culture messages were likely compounded by your experiences at school, church, from your friends, media, coaches, and healthcare providers. The longer you live, the more you are exposed to diet and wellness trends, fads, and messages that tell you there are good and bad eating and exercise choices that make you feel you are good or bad.
And then there is midlife, with its crescendo of urgent messages that you must "maintain" your waistline, muscle mass, bone mass, and, basically, your youth. The pressure is ridiculous!
Midlife can be a time to slow down, reflect on your life choices, and perhaps pivot in a different direction. So, it is no surprise that you may notice that following the diet and wellness rules you were taught is not serving you but containing you and keeping you stuck.
Following someone else's rules causes you to disconnect from your body and see your body as a project or a problem you need to fix. The pain and heartache of body shame are real and learned and, therefore, can be unlearned.
Unknowingly, you may have passed this mess down to your children and grandchildren.
It is possible to repair.
You can share this process with the next generation as you reconnect with your body and heal your relationship with food, eating, movement, and body image.
I've been honored to work with amazing women who want to repair the damage done to themselves and the next generation and prevent the harm from continuing.
Here are some steps I recommend as you approach this repair. Every family is different. So, only some of these recommendations would likely be helpful for you in your unique situation. Please take what helps and leave the rest:
- Begin with sharing your own experience. Using "I" statements, describe what was happening in your life that made you want to shift your relationship with food, eating, exercise, and your body.
- Share what you have learned in your healing and how you got there.
- Discuss your fresh perspective and how you feel now that you are making these changes.
- Consider apologizing for the harm you may have caused, leading with self-compassion and care (remember, you inherited your beliefs and have been exposed to diet culture pressures for many years)
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Offer the changes you are interested in for you and others moving forward:
- at the dinner table (no more good and bad food talk, for example)
- at the grocery store (same shift away from food rules)
- in the dressing room (no more body shaming comments)
- in the closet (bodies change, and that's okay, so keep a basket ready for clothes that no longer fit. Remember, the clothes are the problem; your body is NOT the problem.)
- around movement: What would it be like to think of movement as play?
- Keep the conversation caring, curious, and ongoing.
This is a reminder that your relationship with your body, food, eating, and movement is complex and challenging and can stir up many feelings. Please take small steps with plenty of care and compassion. You don't need to rush this. Discern when you are feeling clear and have the energy.
Healing is a process. Repair is possible.
I've witnessed this process countless times. It typically begins with one generation deciding that the diet/wellness culture mess will end with them. I respect this choice because it is truly hard work with a life-changing payoff for you and those you love.
I would love to hear from you if you've experienced harm from intergenerational diet and wellness. If you are trying to repair this harm, how is it going?
With love and respect,
Deb
P.S. If this was helpful and you want more coaching and community to mend your relationship with food, eating, movement, and your body-
Early Bird Registration is now open for the New Year's cohort of my small group coaching program, Aging with Vitality and Body Liberation! Early Birds receive a $200 discount between now and when Early Bird Registration closes at midnight ET on Sunday, December 1st.
This 8-week group begins on Tuesday, January 7th, and runs until February 25th.
