Hey Reader!
Welcome to our community! Whether you’re new or a longtime reader, I’m so glad you’re here. Together, we’re redefining what it means to live fully in midlife and beyond—embracing embodiment, empowerment, and body liberation, free from the constraints of diet culture and ageism. All bodies are celebrated here as we build our truly unique community for those in midlife and beyond. Thank you for being part of this journey!
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* Noteworthy—Today's newsletter is long because it includes an excerpt from my upcoming book (which is still being edited, so this is part of a rough first draft). The excerpt is from a chapter focusing on body image and intimacy in midlife and beyond, so there are references to sexuality.
I received an email from a woman who just turned 60 and is struggling with how caught she feels in her discomfort and judgment about the changes in her appearance. Her comments have been rolling around in my head ever since.
She is not alone! I've been consistently writing about this topic for over a year now, and I still notice thoughts that reflect my internalized ageism. I'm betting my retirement savings this is familiar to you, too! So here is an excerpt from my manuscript about breaking free from the beauty ideal.
đź’– But first, my Holiday Wishes For You:
May you disentangle from your internalized ageism.
May you let go of diet culture's "shoulds".
May you be free of doubts in your value just as you are.
May you be able to see your natural beauty.
The Body Hierarchy and Beauty
Every culture has a beauty ideal, though the details vary. In the Western world, the ideal body is the young, white, thin, and able body with a long list of other traits, such as being hairless, curvy in all the right places, yet otherwise “tone,” “cut,” “muscular” or fit, to mention the most common attributes we’ve been conditioned to associate with a “sexy” body. The list continues with “flawless” skin, thick, typically straight, long hair, and on and on.
If you’re missing any of the traits associated with the beauty ideal, you may see your body as “flawed’. To further complicate your perception of your body, the changes experienced in midlife and beyond likely mean the loss of attributes you once associated with feeling “sexy” or f*ckable.
It is worth mentioning the skit “Last Fuckable Day” again! You may believe you’re expected to be working to do everything that is within your power to conform to this beauty ideal. I hope you understand that is what we call a “limiting belief”, meaning if you believe your body is inadequate, it limits your capacity to feel comfortable and confident in your body.
The “ideal body,” or the default body as I've written about many times before, is a construct with ageist, fat-phobic, racist, classist, misogynist, trans- and homophobic underpinnings. If your body does not conform to the beliefs embedded in these systems, you may believe your body is broken, that your body is bad and undesirable, and that you are not worthy of love or sexual intimacy. And just a reminder that this cultural narrative is a fiction that is upheld by several different hundred-billion and trillion-dollar industries that profit from your self-criticism and belief that your perfectly amazing body is flawed.
Your body, and it’s perceived f*ckability, is NOT your value.
Many women see menopause as a threshold opening to becoming “unfuckable”. For some, that is honestly a relief. For some, this change is experienced as a tragic loss. Think Blanche in the show “The Golden Girls”. I am grateful that our culture is moving toward a more open attitude when discussing the experiences of menopause. I’m hopeful this destigmatization will empower you to discover your interest in remaining sexy, or not, just as you are. Your body, your choice.
However you choose to navigate intimacy in midlife+, it helps to be curious about how you perceive your body: discern the difference between what you experience as beautiful and sexy and what culture upholds and defines as beautiful and sexy. Remember, you are exposed to hundreds of images EVERY DAY that not only fit a narrow beauty ideal but are likely filtered, photoshopped, and may even be an image created by AI. We only see diverse bodies if we seek them out. Sources of images of diverse bodies are included in the Resource section.
I encourage you to zoom out and recognize that what you define as beautiful and sexy is unique to you when you peel back the layers of what you’ve been conditioned to see as beautiful and sexy.
Beauty is an aspect of the natural world which includes you.
Beauty is there for you to notice when you can slow down and recognize it as such. It’s in the bark of trees exposed to decades of the elements that remind me of the skin on my hands; it’s in the face of those you love when they belly laugh; it’s in the slanty autumn golden light; it's in the swirl of lavender clouds in the early morning sky; it's the many colors exposed in the rocks cut away by hundreds of years by the power of the river.
Sometimes, the sight of beauty takes your breath away or inspires an abrupt inhale of the awe of what’s before you. What you perceive as beautiful is unique to you and brings an element of richness to your life. When you notice it, it enriches your life.
Time is an artist.
Your ability to see the beauty of your body as you age relies on the story you are carrying about your body and aging, which has been learned. You may have grown up with people recognizing and speaking about your beauty, along with your many other attributes. I sure hope you were affirmed for a multitude of your attributes, in addition to your appearance.
Your appearance is the least interesting thing about you.
Earlier in life, you may have perceived the acknowledgment of your beauty as necessary to belonging and feeling lovable, which contributes to a particular type of pressure related to your appearance. You may have heard mostly body criticism; I am sorry if that happened to you.
To be clear, beauty isn’t something your body must be to be worthy of belonging and love. You are your own unique, beautiful self, and the passing of time does not take that away.
If you are having a hard time believing this right now, it is because the beauty, diet, and anti-aging industrial complexes have gotten under your skin and in your head. They’ve got you thinking about your body and appearance as not enough or too much, or just plain wrong.
Feeling insecure in your body is understandable in a world that undermines your ability to feel comfortable and confident. And the insecurity you feel profits multiple industries! You’ve been lied to, maybe for your whole life, but especially from midlife and beyond.
You are beautiful. You are sexy. And you don’t have to be either to be worthy. It is up to you.
That might be hard to believe, especially in midlife and beyond. I’ll bet you can see beauty in those who are in midlife and beyond. It’s harder to see beauty in yourself than in others. I wonder what that’s about?
Please know that this is NOT about making yourself mirror what you’ve been told fits and matches the idea of what is beautiful. Is there any part of you that knows you are beautiful in that much more expansive, honest, and real kind of way you see in nature?
So that means you don’t have to do anything to yourself; you don’t have to work on yourself and your body to fit the beauty ideal. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is not to fix your body or even how you feel about it but to be in partnership with your body or become more embodied in this final act of your life. Part one of this book was dedicated to dismantling the limiting beliefs you’ve inherited from diet and anti-aging industries. Part two was dedicated to mending your relationship with your body. Now, we are exploring how you can thrive in your reclaimed partnership with your body- including intimacy. But what does that even look like?
You are invited not to change how your body looks or even how you feel about the way your body looks; this invitation rests in being in your body and spending time, when you are able, finding a moment of quiet, protected from the noise and pressure of the beauty/diet/anti-aging industrial complexes. Both thriving and intimacy are about turning toward our internal experience with presence, curiosity, and compassion.
One of my favorite teachers is John O’Donahue, the Irish poet and philosopher, whose words about beauty ring true for me:
“Beauty isn’t all about just nice loveliness. Beauty is about more rounded, substantial becoming. So I think beauty in that sense is about an emerging fullness, a greater sense of grace and elegance, a deeper sense of depth, and also a kind of homecoming for the enriched memory of your unfolding life.”
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So recognizing your own beauty — true beauty, not the idea of glamour or beauty — is nothing more or less than awakening to your unfolding and homecoming. In this quiet shift, you realize you belong just as you are. In moments like these, you will be able to see your beauty and be open to intimacy with your experience despite the stories you’ve been told. F*ck the patriarchy!
I hope this helps you look at yourself with a bit more curiosity and kindness!
As always, I am grateful for your presence here.
Joy and Peace to you,
Deb
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​P.S. I am considering opening another cohort of my small group coaching program in mid-late January. If you are interested, please reply to this email and let me know. My group coaching program has typically been offered at 12 pm ET. If you are interested in joining us and there is a better time of day for you, please let me know!
If you have any questions about working with me or my program or want to explore if it's the right fit, simply reply to this email—I'd love to connect.​​
P.S. I will open up a limited number of spots for 1:1 coaching in 2025. Please reach out if you are interested in getting on the list.​
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